National Safe Schools Framework for Parents

Communicating with your Child

Establishing positive communication with your child helps to build trust and respect and strengthens the bond between you, as well as helping them to learn important social and emotional skills and form their own opinions and beliefs.

This will be especially important if you ever need to talk with your child about a matter of concern.

Tips for positive communication

Begin early

Start communicating with your child when they are very young. Even when they first begin speaking, practise having a conversation. Make this a part of your regular time together.

Time it carefully

If you want to talk with your child, try to avoid times when they are distracted (watching television), tired (straight after school) or occupied with another task. Instead, pick a time when they are calm – taking the dog for a walk, driving in the car, reading a book together – to initiate a conversation. This way, you will both be able to give each other the attention you need and deserve.

Listen actively

Your child cares about what you think. So, pay attention when they are speaking to you. If your child wants your attention and you are busy doing something else, ask them to wait until you have finished and then give them your undivided attention. Look them in the eye or sit next them. Nod and listen to what they are saying. This shows them that you are genuinely interested.

Control your own emotions

Sometimes what your child is telling you may be upsetting for you to hear. If this is the case, take a step back and a deep breath, and try to remain as calm as you can. Avoid becoming angry, because this may encourage them to adopt an angry approach too and may make them less likely to talk with you about a sensitive topic in the future. If you really are too angry, take some time out. Try to talk with your child when you are calmer.

Avoid imposing your opinions

Even if ‘I told you so’ is on the tip of your tongue or you really do not like the girl your daughter desperately wants to keep as a friend, avoid imposing your opinions. Instead, listen to your child, be patient and then explain your thinking. If you agree with what your child is saying or doing, let them know this.

Be encouraging

Use encouraging words when your child communicates with you. Say things like ‘Thanks for sharing that with me’, ‘I’m glad you took the time to talk to me about …’, ‘I really enjoyed our talk’. If your child has shared something very personal to them, acknowledge this and praise them for that.

Be respectful

If you want your child to respect you, speak to them respectfully as well. Avoid putdowns. Try to keep calm and cool and find solutions that you can work on together.

Schedule time to talk

Make time each day to talk with your child – whether it is over dinner, on a walk or in a family meeting. Young people need routine, and scheduling time to talk helps them to value communication time with you.

Think about your body language

The way that you communicate is as important as when and how you communicate with your child. Sometimes talking face to face is too confronting (especially for boys), so think about sitting next to each other or talking while doing something like playing ball, walking the dog or driving the car.

Use open-ended questions

Try to phrase your questions in ways that elicit more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. Open-ended questions such as ‘What did you do today?’ or ‘What would you like for breakfast?’ or ‘How do you feel about …?’ encourage discussion between you and your child.

Find out more

Communicating with your child about feelings

Experiencing strong and uncomfortable emotions, such as anger, disappointment, sadness or feeling rejected or left out, is a normal part of every child’s (and adult’s) life. These are some ideas for communicating with your child about feelings:Teach them to manage their feelings

If you help your child to understand, explore and manage their feelings, rather than trying to fix things for them, they will learn how to solve problems and manage feelings for themselves. If your child seems to be feeling sad, worried, angry or upset, view the situation as an opportunity to support them and help them to solve their problems.

Stay calm

Remind yourself to stay calm, even if you are worried or upset about a difficult situation with your child. Any strong feelings that you communicate may lead the child to see the situation as worse than it really is and to become more upset and worried. You can find out more about this in Managing your feelings.

Develop their understanding of emotions

Identify what feeling(s) you think your child might be experiencing and help them to correctly label these.

Show empathy, understanding and optimism

Show empathy by letting your child know that you understand how they are feeling and that it is okay and normal to have those feelings. Take an optimistic approach to the chances of their solving the problem successfully and coping with their feelings well.

Find a solution together

Work together with your child to help them find a solution to any problem that is making them feel negative. You may need to remind them that some of their suggested solutions are either unacceptable or unhelpful (such as aggression, retaliation or isolating themselves). Sometimes, finding a solution will include bringing someone else into the picture.

Challenge unhelpful thoughts

Challenge any unhelpful thinking that your child may be demonstrating. For example, they may be assuming that ‘everyone’ in their class hates them when in reality only one or two classmates are being nasty to them. They might need help changing their thinking; for example, by considering different perspectives or by being encouraged not to make generalisations